Tag Archives: God

And it still hurts: Just a Rant

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What is it about the invention of social media that has made everyone feel like they need to plaster their daily life on it? I do it too. That’s not even what my rant is about.
I know some things are best kept to yourself, but there are times when it feels just so dang GOOD to get it out for all the world to read!
I suppose it might be a good thing I deactivated my FaceBook account a while back.

Anyway, to the point of this rant. A while back, someone I put a lot of trust in hurt me pretty badly. Someone who any person should be able to go to when they need help. And honestly, her word weren’t meant to be hurtful, I don’t think. But she used a conversation we had as a springboard, and that is what made them so painful. You see, that day something that cost her a pretty penny had went missing, and we spent a good portion of the morning searching. One spot in particular had all 4 sets of searching eyes on and inside of it at one point, but the item was never found.
When she arrived to work, we got out of the car and she decided to check that spot one more time….and wouldn’t you know it, there the missing item was, tucked away safe. She pulled it out and says to me, “See Portia?! God WILL answer your prayers if you actually have faith.”
Now, normally, this wouldn’t bother me, but the conversation on the way to her place of work passed to my daughter, and the moments when the officer knelt down and told me there was nothing they could do. I dropped to me knees, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded for God to let me take her place. But we all know that’s not how these things work. God gives you the things you need, not what you want.

And so, I couldn’t help myself, I was angry. “Oh, I am so sure God thought your stupid *insert item here* was just SOOOOOO much more important than my daughter’s life, right?!” I shouted at her, not even thinking before I decided to open my mouth. Now see, smart Portia would have just kept her mouth shut and smiled. SMART Portia would have nodded and said “I’m so glad you found it”. But no, this was stupid, angry Portia speaking.

And so, she says back to me, “No, you just didn’t have faith. That’s why you lost her. This is God’s way of telling you that you need to live for HIM.” And she just kept making me angrier. Shut up Portia, just let it go. You KNOW you won’t win here.

“I HAD faith until she died! Don’t you DARE tell me that I didn’t. Don’t you DARE tell me my daughter’s death was a LESSON.” I hissed this last word.
Dang it! That is NOT what you were supposed to say. You were supposed to just keep your mouth shut.
“I am NOT going to argue with you on this. I prayed to God that this would be found, and it was. I have my faith. That should be enough proof for you.”
 Smart Portia took over here. This is where I shut my trap. She won, and I got to stop listening to the most insulting things to come out of the person I trusted more than anyone.

It’s been a couple months since then, but there are nights, like tonight, when I am sitting all alone, when my husband is at work and my children are asleep, when there is nothing good on TV to watch, and my heart is already aching like it does every time the memory of that little red haired baby floats into my mind, that those nasty words replay themselves. And I start to cry, and I start to shake, and my resolve to let it go and forgive start to weaken.
My relationship with that person is more important than some stupid words that I am sure she didn’t mean to be hurtful, but I am weak, and I am angry, and I am easily offended these days.

Does that not make me human?